The Desecration of My Gift

The desecration of my gift

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

6:11 PM

I’m going through my writings and I’m placing them now into two different categories. The new me and the old me. I come across the one, the spiritual message for April 22nd, 2020. I believe I’m ready to speak about the rest of that story.

When a submissive gives up her rights. She chooses to give up the right to make decisions. CHOOSES. I hope that this will demonstrate just how serious this is for a submissive who turns slave in BDSM. I also hope that this demonstrates the responsibility of another person’s life to those who want to call themselves Dominant and/or Master. It’s not just a title. It’s a Role, it’s a Place, IT’S A LIFE. And before anyone makes the decision to take on another person’s life, YOU MUST MASTER YOUR OWN FIRST.

What happened in this case scenario is someone wanted the title, but not be the role. And because of that because he didn’t understand the “REAL” behind it. It turned very bad.

The dedication and loyalty that comes from a slave or a submissive it comes because of the gift of life! You MUST understand that word…LIFE. It’s NOT just a word. It’s a person’s life. It’s a person’s life that should be held in the Master’s hand, in the palm of His hand it should be cared for very delicately.  It should be held “precious.” Because life IS precious.

Which by the way, Precious was what my former Master had named me. He knew, He understood.

The difference between BDSM and abuse is a very, very fine line. It’s that same a fine line between illegal prostitution and legal dating. It’s so fine that it’s almost non-existent. What you do in the name of BDSM and how you treat a person defines that very fine line between lifestyle kink and abuse.

I wanted to make sure that I went over that before I told these details.

….. Kneeling in my place. My place of grace…my place of solitude. A place where no matter what chaos is swirling around, THAT place…MY place it doesn’t exist. A place of quietness, serenity, stillness. I hear nothing but the thud from each heartbeat. In my place, I’m aware. Aware of my body, it’s reactions, it’s anticipations, it’s longings, it’s urges, it’s needs and it’s desires. The sense of “self” is heightened beyond what any words can describe.

The sense of pride, of belonging. Of belonging to One. ONLY One. You can NOT give the gift of “life” twice. It’s impossible when you ONLY have ONE LIFE TO GIVE!

Those few moments that a slave is in slave position before her Master arrives, walking in the door. It can drive a slave into a total frenzy. That position, for her…is the most important position to be in. ITS HER POSITION!  And hers alone. When she gave up EVERYTHING, she was given that one position. That position being well formed. It’s formation is her formation. It’s what she has grown into, formed her life around…pleasing her Master! So it’s important to a slave that she’s in perfect formation when her Master walks in the door. No matter how much she wiggles, scratches her nose turns her head, gets comfy again to the best of her abilities, that is. Timing it just perfect making sure that she is in perfect formation in her place is the utmost important. That few moments of not knowing what’s about to happen to her, what evil wickedness in her Master’s mind can be absolutely deafening. Literally Speaking. By the time He walks in the door your heart is racing so fast, it’s beating so hard that’s all you hear is your heartbeat with anticipation.

…..with the door already cracked open, I hear him quietly come in.  My body instantly reacts. Excitement swells up. It swells my breast, my lions. The need to please, to give all…all she’s got…all I have. I hear him grab the chains. The dog chocker and the leash.

In order for you to know what it does to me. The chained leash. The links, each and every link. The weight of those links. Let me describe.

In my training my first master would have me kneel for hours  in my place well he plays his video game on the computer. It can be a few minutes before we had to leave, or it can be however long it was. I had to get used to my place, no matter how much my knees hurt no matter how much pain I felt I had to find comfort in my place. I had to find peace and solitude in my place. He’d have the choker around my neck, and he had a link leash. And he’d have the handle to the leash wrapped around his wrist the whole time. The representation of that. The representation that no matter what he had me.  (Man, tears are welling up. I didn’t expect that.) While I was in position I would touch and go over each and every link. Run my fingers over the shape of each and every link. I came to know with my eyes closed the feel of every feel the weight of every link. What each link held as a representation. As each link and as a whole.  There are no words I can describe printing person to know that kind of relationship between a slave and her leash. But maybe this will help you when I describe this next part 😊.

Years later in Pennsylvania, who became my Third Master, I believe it was either our second or third date. He took me to a park, a National Forest. It was at night. Once he parked he had told me to kneel down on the ground. So I did. I was in position, my eyes closed, and He just stood there for a moment. I guess I don’t know, maybe to let the anticipation rise.  I’m almost sure of it. But who knows 🙂 a moment later I hear the trunk of His car open. His movements are silent. There’s no hint of anything. Next thing I know, I once more feel THAT weight, the coldness from those links that soon will become warm. It had been quite a long time that I had felt those links. I froze in sheer just… EVERYTHING! Lol He had no idea what was to come and neither did I really. Lol my head swirled so much with just…EVERYTHING. It came flooding back just. Everything is all I can say. Those many times that I was in position, getting to intimately know each and every one of those links. WOW! Let’s put it this way, it did such a number on me that I was in the front seat passenger side, and I SHOT AND HIT THE WINDSHIELD. SPLATTERED ALL OVER IT! By the time it was all said and done, I started hearing some noise coming from the back. Some dripping sounds coming from the back. He was hitting the mat on the floorboard behind me. I look at him and I’m like, “what the hell is that?” I have to say, ummm I didn’t know I had soaked the seat so much so… Soaked the foam so much that it couldn’t hold any more cum from me. The form from the seat was so overfilled that there was a huge puddle on the floorboard. It is so much of a puddle that each drip, it splattered like on the windshield.

Ummm… Yeah I had a chore ahead of me needless to say. 😈😂😂 Cleaning up my mess. Umm it was so much that I almost ruined his car completely. He…yeah…He…ummm there’s just no words. Lol he got mad in a way but…still …He still picks on me about almost costing Him a car. 😂😂😂

He told me he said I didn’t know that was going to do that to you I said I didn’t know that either. Lol

….. So he grabbed the dog choker, puts it around my neck. At the same time he’s coming out of his clothes. He puts the leash, the handle to the leash and hangs up on the door. While he holds the chain up and tells me, “suck my dick,” while moving farther away to where I couldn’t reach it. Well, the next thing I knew I was waking up, in a puddle. I don’t even know if I was able to reach his dick to suck it before…. Before i strangled myself for him. ….. I’m just going to leave that hanging there…..

…. I can’t really recall too much Alice cloudy from passing out. I know I got up, no matter what to obey what he told me to do. To please him. Again, I don’t know if I was able to accomplish his task he gave me. Apparently, it may have been a goal to far out of my reach. Cause i found myself waking up, yet again more from in a puddle… Waking up … Waking up from strangling myself for him, yet again.

(as i take a deep breath as i shudder and have goose bumps as I shake with tears welling up in my eyes, my God, i think… My GOD)

I can remember him telling me. And I can’t quote because I can’t recall his exact words I was in a total daze.  I can take your breath and I can give you breath I can take your life and I can give your life in other words. Never forget it.

I don’t think he really knew.. i sometimes wonder if it would’ve mattered anyways. If it would make him care more about just had happened. The DEPTH of what that meant.

You see, NOT ONCE DID I HESITATE. NOT ONCE DID I QUESTION. NOT ONCE… NOT ONCE DID I DISTRUST. … NOT ONCE.

I DIDN’T THINK… I KNEW .  Or at least I thought I did. I knew he had me. Just like I had him. … Or so i thought.

I slept after he left. I mean it’s exhausting to give your life… NOT ONCE… BUT TWICE!

With that said, i felt me become lightheaded and dizzy, get sick in the stomach. So i got up, barely. Went to the store to clear my head. To form my thoughts better than the rush of all the emotions that hit all at once.

… when i woke up I text him, i wondered how long he let me stay out. He wasn’t definite in his answer, “about 8 seconds but you came.” I had to tell him…”No  it wasn’t cum.”  He didn’t know, he didn’t realize… It happens THAT quick. Your body when it dies. Your body instantly starts getting rid of the waste inside. That was urine, the next stage is the feces the body gets rid of when you hang yourself.

In that instant having your hand around someone’s throat. In THAT instant, WHICH can overcome you. That high, that power of having life, of controlling life in your hands. THAT HIGH, from the smell of life, knowing its right on the line of death. In that instant, which can bring “a killer” in anybody. I knew that. I don’t think he did though. It’s not something that you would know to expect to be able to control, right. I mean, its unexpected. It takes you off guard. And while it’s very important that you actually stop before it’s too late. The REAL test is exactly why did you stop? Because you’re looking at WHOLE lot if fucking trouble.. and time. Or was it because you’re holding something precious and delicate in your hands???

With the way people have chosen to have all kinds of “liberties” with my life. If I had to guess, IF YOU STOPPED, it would be because of the trouble you’d find yourself to be in.

With on the times that he told me he found himself to be annoyed with my distrust and doubt. He forgot the time where I didn’t question I didn’t hesitate I didn’t doubt. He forgot the time where I gave my life…NOT ONCE .. BUT TWICE … WITHIN MINUTES APART.

You know, NEVER LEFT A MARK. NOT ONE CLUE OF ME GIVING MY LIFE…OF MY STRANGLING MYSELF FOR HIM ..not one… When you sit and really think about that. That’s scary as fuck.

You see I didn’t mind it. I would have given anything to him and did. I gave everything to him that I could. I mean what more can you give than your life is their life to give after you give life? I mean at that point if he wasn’t pleased there was nothing else I can do. I mean at that point I mean I guess he didn’t want to be pleased I don’t really know that part.

In that act alone for me, that’s sealed the deal. I mean you can’t get them deeper anymore dedicated and loyal than that. For him.  I don’t know as i find myself shrugging my shoulders. I look back at the events that took place during the two years after that. And I reflect over those years. Over that time. So so many of you played so many head games with me. Even he did. Telling me I needed to go get help all of you told me I’m a psycho and crazy. Telling me of my worth and not worth. But I mean what are you to know how do you know but it’s worth and not worth? I mean there’s the difference that’s the difference in an instant killer and not. That’s the difference it makes in the whole wide world. Is the value of life The gift of Life. A submissive gift a slave’s gift.. THE GIFT OF LIFE.

So, cuz I have to lay my head down because I got lightheaded and dizzy with a thought of my life being so precious and yet taking so much for granted. So my thoughts lead to why shouldn’t anybody let’s listen I put value in your words of telling me I’m not worth anything or how little I am worth or how much for that matter or if I’m crazy psycho or otherwise. When apparently you have no idea of what worth really is. I mean how can you then apparently it’s so easy just to amuse yourselves and make my life out of my career just because you’re bored and can.

(You know it’s been only two days since the last time I talked to him. This is very raw very real very like I said I’ve gotten light-headed sick and dizzy, and I’m just exhausted myself to the point of actually going to sleep which is hard to come by these days once again just taking the life out of me literally.)

So where am I going with this as a force myself to finish this? It’s the most difficult thing to do with the moment. September of last year when I took these pictures what that was about the representation the meaning. It was September 30th I was packing my things. I had no choice but to leave my home where I was comfortable where I wanted to call home. Where I was happy at if it’s my little bitty supposed sanctuary there had been supposed to be. I remember the day that I was so happy when I got that key even he came over and within 30 minutes and help me Christen that place my dreams I had of my home quickly felt to being nightmarish imprisonment from the hands of others I’d like that little place it was just right for me I didn’t have this right size and it was home.

As I looked around that little place having a hard time packing. I quickly realized everything I had  been desecrated. I’ve been poisoned everything that I held sacred to me everything I have been spoiled, ruined, dirty. Nothing has been left untouched.

The first two times I gave him my life was that the first place that I lost because of the hands of others. In this place I gave him my life TWO MORE TIMES!!!!

I mean really I’m not a cat I don’t have nine lives here to give. Third time I gave my life he took one of my t-shirts and wrapped it around my neck. Next thing I know I’m waking up. AGAIN NOT ONE MARK OR TRACE OF ME ALLOWING HIM TO TAKE MY LIFE… TRUSTING EVERYTHING IN HIM TO GIVE MY LIFE BACK TO ME . UNHARMED… UNSCATHED. NOT ONE TRACE. FREELY

AGAIN…. SOOO FREELY GIVING MY LIFE UP IN HOPES TO PLEASE WHO I CAME TO LOVE SO DEEPLY. WHOM I WAS LOYAL AND DEDICATED TO.  WELL… I GAVE HIM MY LIFE… YOU CANNOT EXPECT THAT TO BE TAKEN SO LIGHTLY.

That last time i gave him my life, he wrapped the straps from my sandal around my neck. That was the fourth time.

And yet, he couldn’t understand. He couldn’t get why… Why I’ve fought so fucking hard to keep what in reality was never there in the first place.

He never could understand and grasp the night that I was preparing to totally give my full pledge submission which I mean how much more can I give right? Yall make me wonder a lot about that one, honestly. That night before I went to the store, before i made it “official” is all i was doing. The words that he text me was yeah I’m out to bury you and drown you. After giving myself like I have that would make any woman freak out. I left myself so vulnerable so open I trusted so much. I gave you so much. And yet with those words he spoke to me. That’s exactly what he did. Number ones to acknowledged my giving of my life four times, never once acknowledged my gift I gave as i made it official. Being that the “act” had already been done. He did just what he said. He buried me and he walked away symbolically. Because the events that took place afterwards smearing his dick in his in my face and doing what he did there walking away and walking out the door saying now I can get on with my life. Even in January this year what he did pissing down my throat and walking out the door  was so fucking symbolic.

I mean when one gives them self like that sacrifices themselves freely and unconditionally leaving themselves so vulnerable so open and feel so abandoned because they walked away in the let you just try to find your own as he said before. One has to wonder ..

The representation of those chains of me putting my leash back on that day as I packed it away just for someone else to stealing it away from me yet again and not give a flat fuck about replacing what meant so much to me. Though i mean it’s not the actual least that mattered as much as it did the representation of it. The symbolic meaning of it.

That’s MY FUCKING PLACE! THAT’S MY SOLITUDE! THAT’S MY PEACE! THAT’S MY FUCKING PLACE! AS ADIRTY AND DESCRATED AS IT BECAME I PICKED THAT LEASH BACK UP AND I WRAPPED IT AROUND ME AND I TOLD MYSELF I WAS NOT GOING TO LET ANYTHING DIRTY MY FUCKING PLACE AGAIN! SO IN MY TEARS UNBELIEVABLY YOU CAN’T EVEN TELL I WRAP THAT CHAIN AROUND ME AND I MADE LOVE WITH THAT FUCKING CHAIN BEFORE I GO BACK TO THE WAY I’LL WRAP IT AROUND ME AND I MADE PEACE WITH THAT CHAIN AGAIN JUST LIKE I DID THE FIRST TIME WHEN I WAS IN TRAINING MANY YEARS AGO. I TOOK BACK MY PLACE I TOOK BACK MY FREEDOM IN THOSE CHAINS. I TOOK BACK MY WORTH! I TOOK ME BACK! I TOOK MY LIFE BACK!

WITHIN THAT INSTANT IF I DON’T KNOW WHY. IT WAS JUST… SOMETHING TOLD ME TO TAKE THE PICTURES AND I DID.

I don’t know maybe it was to remind myself about moment of that time of that instant where so many had taken my safety away from me my love everything it just literally everything and smeared shamed me in my own home desecrated everything the secret to me everything and that instant in that moment I made peace with what was desecrated shamed and dirtied.

I NOT ONLY MAKE PEACE WITH THE CHAIN WITH THE IMPRISONMENT THAT I FOUND MYSELF TO BE IN….

BUT I FUCKING FREED MYSELF WITHIN THE CHAINS THAT BIND I WAS FREE!

One more time I find myself saying this.

BY WEAK MEN I FELL.  AND BY THE STRENGTH INSIDE ME I HAD TO FIGHT TO FIND…

I FUCKING ROSE!

I spoke of the story for a couple of reasons.

For one, I’m forcing to heal. Because if i don’t… I won’t. And i know that. I’ll continue to “busy” myself with the computer. And hide from it. Put on a fake mask and a facade, like you do. It’s easy . I know it’s REALLY EASY… TO JUST… IGNORE IT… LEAVE THE DEMON TO FESTER. NOPE .. NOT AGAIN.

SO BEFORE IT BECOMES ME… IM GOING TO OVERCOME IT! .  and you fuckers tell me i need help! Ha-ha!!

Just REMEMBER IT WON’T WORK IF YOU DON’T WORK IT!!! 😊

I also wanted to bring a very serious a very real, in depth reality to just how serious how real how easy one side can slip off how and why on the submissive slave side how and why our loyalty is what it is.

This and I’ll send to them help the novice submissions slaves out there that have no idea what to expect when doing things like this what emotions and what in depth of what transpires when giving your life to another in this ways. Definitely not something you do carelessly or recklessly.

This person that wants ever took me out of my room. Turn the last end of the when I said why don’t you take me to get home or to a shelter that’s when he offered sure today now he was so quick and shoving you off to the side, but not once did he offer to take me out of this room I was only allowed to have him as much as that along for him once a week. And he thought nothing wrong with this he thought I was you know for whatever I was whatever it is it’s not about this I wanted to show you. It’s not about bashing anymore because that’s by far what I’m doing. But you know when you see it in black and white it shows you reality it shows you a pretty picture that you know at times that we have to look at even though we don’t want to. It shows the difference in someone that doesn’t actually know the volume in life and one that appreciates her own life and buying appreciating her own life because I’ve given life as a gift I appreciate everyone else’s life. The difference not in him or her it’s in the value of life and itself.

I’m hoping by me doing this which was one of the hardest things I’ve wrote about specially since it’s so wrong right now that perspective in the way things are seen and valued can have appreciation for it. It is in my upset throughout my pain of my sacrifices of just really giving myself that it can help show a different and make a difference in a world is filled of nothing but hatred these days. I hope what has hurt me so much so can change somebody maybe not the world but maybe make a difference somehow.

Much love

Michelle

Remember. . Those that have control that can shatter a person’s life within an instant, it takes more control to not let it overcome you. That’s when you truly Master yourself.

For example: everyone seems to equate loss of control and anger… When everyone tells me I’m angry…

You wouldn’t have a clue of just how angry I am now would you??? No! You don’t have to lose control of yourself just because you are angry. That’s not mastering yourself. To keep control while you’re angry, is mastering yourself!!! And yesss I wonder.  Just tell precious life all of the sun would be if it was your life you were losing instead of mine. Think on that for a minute. Because yes I’m very angry but you didn’t know it not if I hadn’t said anything. Just saying… Just showing you the difference. Just leading my example.