Saturday, August 22, 2020
4:00 PM
You know there’s a reason why robbers, rapists and murders where a mask when they do their dirty deeds. It’s NOT just to hide their identity. It’s much more than that, Way way deeper than just them hiding their identity. For the victim, IF make it out alive after the attack. And that’s a REAL BIG “if”. The live a life that’s haunted. They live in a life of being taunted. A never ending nightmare. It’s the worst Groundhog Day movie ever!! That just never ever ends. You become scared to fall asleep, because you know, the next day you wake, you’re just gonna be in that same exact nightmare…again….and again….and again. So, really and truly the victims actually dies during the attack. It doesn’t matter if their body actually lives or not. They die, they die inside.
Being kept alive, for the masked attacker, it’s their greatest power trip, ego trip…it’s their highest of CONTROL. Because they KNOW that they control the victim and they could be hundreds of miles away, or it can be years, matter of fact, even after they die….THEY KNOW THEY CONTROL YOU AND WILL ALWAYS CONTROL YOU!!!! AND THEY KNOW IT, AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHY THEY DO IT!!!
For the attacker, it varies. It could be the hunt that’s the thrill. Or the surprise attack. It could be the fight the gets them off, or the victim finally submits to the attack, no longer putting up a fight against the attack. It could be the innocence of a girl forcing her into womanhood, or even a bride’s innocence of her white dress pure wedding day of her dream’s. The thrill of the attacker, it all varies depending on the attacker. The ending result that they are going for, the ULTIMATE of their intentions, yes it’s always the same. TO CONTROL. The more they violate the more they control. The dirtier the violation, the more humiliating, the more disgracing…..the more CONTROL.
It’s AUTOMATIC PROGRAMMING!!! AND THAT PROGRAMMING….IT’S LIFE LONG….Even years and years after the attack, they could dead long ago….for the victim, it doesn’t matter. Even if the victim see’s the attacker dead in front their eyes, showing them proof. That they no longer have to worry. IT DOESN’T MATTER. IT DOESN’T CHANGE THINGS, IT DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER, IT DOESN’T MAKE THE FEAR GO AWAY!!!! ….AND FOR THE ATTACKER, THAT IS THE ULTIMATE OF CONTROL, THE HIGHEST THEY CAN GET TO CONTROLLING THEIR VICTIMS!!!
What is it that does the actual programming for that control…..FEAR!!!
How it get’s started for the attacker, it also varies. It could be for money, desperation….for the rapists and killer….serial killer it seems like most times it begins with their parents, most typically through the puberty years. The different changes in the body that goes on through the adolescent years.
Not understanding what the body is going through, the different ups and downs of the roller of emotions that seem to barrage any growing teen. And no one stopping to take the time to explain what goes on in the body to help with understanding. No one stops to say these are gonna be the hardest years of your life. And the reasons why is because of the hormones the brain sends through out the body. No one sits and thinks to explain to that teen that at about every 5 years or so that they will experience different changes in their body.
Through a state of confusion and the barrage of emotions that Is not yet understood is where the hate begins. They feel hurt from that hurt begins to seed the hate, distrust and any other number of emotions that follow through. There’s so many of us that make it through this time of our lives, and go on and never think once about it. We never stop to think about those years ever again. In these with the world like it is. We are seeing the school shootings more and more….it stems from going through all these changes, never being understood, trying to find identity in those years. With nothing but parents barking at them. The more they are not understood or listened to, the more the hurt….the more the anger. Feeling trapped…in a corner they begin to act…..and how ever that happens….that varies as well. The first making of any attacker…..normally…what age it actually comes out and shows…well, that varies as well.
On average, anger, hate and control are the common denominators of how it all begins. The details of what brings a person that this stage in their life, at one time they did matter. Over time, it begins to blur For example, hatred for women could have started from a mom abandoning them really young, or beating them or anything else. The hurt, over time turns into anger. With that anger they begin to hate all women. When they look at a woman all they see is their mother and the blinded hurt and act on that hurt in anger. The individual they don’t see, all they see is their mother.
The control normally would stem from loss of control of a situation or environment that brings an onset continued of helplessness and despair that is then deep rooted within them.
To understand what being victimized really is for the victim, the trauma, the damage that it causes, the never-ending nightmare for the victim, is to first understand the attacker! Getting inside the attacker’s mind, what brought them there.
The first attack is nerve wrecking to say the least, is fumbled through with mistakes made. IF they don’t get caught after the first attack, the second attack it becomes easier. The more that they find they have gotten away with it, the more the thrill, the easier it becomes with each attack. It gets to the point it’s like the life they had before, it no longer exist. It’s like a million years ago, another life time. They don’t remember it.
For the victim, depending on the attack and how bad it is. The effects can vary. The more that’s violated, the more that’s taken from the victim, the larger the effect has on them. The damage that’s done to a victim it can be a number of things that trigger the victim into that programming. The victim may go into sweats, shivers and shakes, memory loss, hair loss. The victim may stutter because when the victim tries to talk about it, the victim remembers, thinks about it, it’s so terrifying they won’t be able to form the words they are wanting to speak. The victim then finds themselves living, trapped in nothing but panic-stricken fear they can’t ever get out of. There’s no such thing as trust any longer, even the ones the victim knew before the attack that they trusted. They no longer trust. It effects EVERY PART OF THEIR LIVES.
The victims dreams, nightmares, sex lives, feeling safe in their own homes, even their own skin…they no longer feel safe in. The victim is then always on high alert, jumpy, panicky, forever terrified, forever trapped in their minds reliving that attack.
The mask of a predator, sends a message to the victim to make sure to always look over their shoulder, that they are being watched. That no matter where they go, or who they are with it can happen. They will never no when or where or how. They will never know who their attacker is.
So for the victim, meeting new people no longer exist from fear of this “unknown attacker” They will always wonder when they meet someone is they are their attacker, or even if they know their attacker. They will wonder when they notice someone looking at them….if that person is their attacker. They will always, always ….always be thinking “are you my attacker?”
For any one person to say to the victim “you can contact me any time you need to talk” …..that doesn’t exist for the victim. THE VICTIM DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE OF WHO YOU ARE, YOU COULD BE THE ATTACKER!!!!!!!!!!! THE VICTIM DOESN’T KNOW IF THE ATTACKER WAS SOMEBODY THAT THE VICTIM KNEW BEFORE OR IF IT WAS JUST SOME RANDAM PERSON. THAT VICTIM IS NOT GOING TO TALK AT ALL. TO NO ONE, OUT OF FEAR OF CONFINDING INTO HER ATTACKER!!!!!!!!!
THE ISOLATION IS WAY MORE THAN PHYSICAL, IT’S PHYSICAL ISOLATION, MENTAL ISOLATION, EMOTIONAL ISOLATION. ……IT’S A LIFE ISOLATION. CAGED UP, BACKED UP INTO ONE CORNER ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS IN FEAR…. PANICKING.
For the victim, to go through one attack…to live through just one attack….it’s like it’s almost near impossible to try to gain and get your life back to continue on with living. Going through years of counseling and support groups and on and on. But still, for the victim, that victim will never be the same. It still will never go away. The reminder of that mask, is a continual never-ending nightmare that lets that victim know that it can be any time, any one, any where that it can happen to that victim again. For that victim, it never ever stops!
Today’s date Tuesday November 23, 2021 FIFTEEN MONTHS after writing this, I come across this writing again. I can not begin to describe the feelings I have as I read over the words I’ve written last year. There’s so much that’s happened, last year seems like a million years ago and I can’t seem to remember much of it. But I can tell you this,I REMEMBER THE NEVER ENDING FEAR, I remember EVERY violation as I STILL “TRY” to scrub the disgrace, the humiliation, the dirtiness, the horror off of my skin in the shower with wired kitchen scrubbers. IT DOESN’T WORK! I’ve scrubbed my skin until it bled, I CAN’T EVER GET THIS GROSS DIRTIED VIOLATIONS OFF OF ME. Even still FIFTEEN MONTHS LATER.
This writing was brought about when I was cleaning the bathroom that day and I had realized JUST REALLY WHAT HAD BEEN DONE TO ME. Needless to say this is a perfect description of what it does to a victim. My attackers HAVE BEEN MANY OVER A FIVE YEAR PERIOD. More than 200 men…. IN FIVE YEARS. When I think about that part, its just inconceivable to me. All I’ve been doing is nothing but FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE, FIGHTING TO STAY ALIVE, FIGHTING TO EAT, FIGHTING TO SLEEP, FIGHTING FOR CLOTHES, FIGHTING FOR WARMTH, FIGHTING ….. FIGHTING JUST NOT TO BE HURT ANYMORE… JUST SIMPLY FIGHTING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE… JUST TO NOT BE HURT ANYMORE…NOT TO BE MANIPULATED ANYMORE…. NOT TO BE CONTROLLED OR BRAINWASHED ANYMORE….
Ive been fighting so much… I don’t know what it means to NOT fight just fot the simplest of things THAT ALL OF YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED.
its so amazing to me looking back on this one writing.
take care, Michelle
Targeted: The New Modern Day Slavery 