Looking Into Trauma

One can not begin to imagine what it REALLY feels like to have completely have your privacy taken away from you, until you find yourself no longer having any kind of privacy at all. We don’t ever think about the things that we may say or do while we are at our most relaxed & comfy of times. You don’t realize just how much we tell of what we are doing by the sounds that we don’t ever pay attention to, because for one… There shouldn’t be… And wouldn’t be a thought of when you place your fork back down on your plate or a cough that tells of what part of your home that you are in or like when we are just talking outloud…. Thinking outloud… That we speaking our most private thoughts outloud thinking there’s no chance of anyone knowing your frustrations or whatever… Especially for us women that seem to find refuge in the bathroom to shed a few tears and then quickly wash our face, coming out looking like strongest Queen’s around to our kids and loved ones.

Or .. what about when you sniffle real quick, or crack your fingers, or even change positions while you are asleep.

What about your MOST INTIMATE PRIVATE MOMENTS .. like burping, picking your nose, farting, grunting while taking a shit, sticking a tampon in if your a woman. What about when you’re masterbating, having sex with your partner or just a hook up???

We never ever REALLY put thought into the sounds of all the things that are around us, that can tell on us. Because sound IS EVERYWHERE. We are used to these sounds that are made…. We take our Privacy soooo for granted… UNTIL. .. and we NEVER think about the sounds that are being made… UNTIL….

…. Until all of a sudden one day weird things start happening, icons on your screen to your laptop or whatever device starts disappearing… THEN REAPPEARING….You freak out…. But it’s an isolated incendent so you think no more of it… UNTIL…

…. Until all of a sudden things in your house IS NOT where they are supposed to be. And YOU KNOW that not a chance in the world that there’s been no one else in your home… BUT … DO YOU REALLY KNOW THIS????

That’s when you start thinking back to other little “strange, unexplainable” occurrences happened.

Like the time you went to go pay rent, leaving the last $20 in your wallet, CONSCIOUSLY thinking you had enough of what was in your hand to pay your rent. And then after going to the office finding out that you were actually short. So, you go back to your apartment, unlock the door like it’s nothing. Go to your wallet to get that $20 bill out THAT YOU KNOW YOU HAD AND KNOW WHERE YOU PUT IT… Only TO FIND THAT ITS NOT THERE. Therefore, your short on your rent now. What are you going to do now? You just had it, but where did it go???? You begin to become frantic, spinning in circles. Just think of what we do when we can’t seem to find out keys….

Then… THEN… You find things broken. Your knick knacks broken in half, or marks on your closet door, or black marks INSIDE YOUR TOLIET BOWL…. Or a gash in your door.

Do you know? Can you begin to describe to someone these things that are happening in your home .. YOUR HOME???! What would you say to your friend? How would you put it? Because it sounds like you are imagining things, your tired, you put whatever in a different spot .. OR… You were sleep walking.

Can you imagine the emotions that would be going through you? What would you feel?????

Maybe a sense of loss of control? Would you be panicking? What about a sense of loss of SAFETY… SECURITY??? A sense of FEAR? But just how much fear would you possibly feel? What about a sense of desperation????

Then.. THEN, your finding videos of your phone in your cloud that is unexplainable. 15 second’s here, 28 second’s there… All of them screen recordings of your phone flipping through your app. Or your screen just sitting there and you can hear that your off doing something else, the dishes for example. Or talking to maintenance about fixing your shower. The more you look, you begin to find these unexplained screen recordings that are 8 minutes long, 22 minutes long, 30 minutes long .. and then ..

HOLY SHIT, dropping your jaw .. FINDING ONE THAT IS FOUR AND HALF HOURS LONG!!!

Just exactly what did you do in that four and half hours. So kinda freaked out and scared you hit the play button… SIX MINUTES INTO THE 4 1/2 HOUR RECORDING… YOU HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

What would you do at that point??? How would you react???? WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? Would your skin start to crawl? Would you throw up??? If standing would you instantly fall to your knees???

The next time you go to masterbate, pulling out THAT SAME VIBRATOR, would you stop? Would it hit you all of a sudden?? You stop, think about it, and then you shrug it off and go to town. Can you cum??? Or you able to have an orgasm?? Or all of sudden, it stops, YOU CAN’T! IT STARTS CREEPING YOU THE FUCK OUT!!!

Your on the phone with your dieing friend whom is giving EXPLICIT instructions on how they want their service done. When all of a sudden, out of nowhere A CERTAIN OBJECT THAT YOU HAD IN YOUR SAFE… UNDER YOUR BED …

… APPEARS RIGHT BY YOUR FOOT ON THE BED… OUT OF NOWHERE!!!

WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO???

Would you jump COMPLETELY out of your skin????… Or would you be one of those that just sat there FROZEN SOLID, WITH BIG BUG EYES??????

Then… Several months later, your enjoying your nice hot shower, you just ate. Got a full belly.. nice & relaxed.. a head full of shampoo, and your scrubbing your head with your eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of scrubbing your head.

When out of nowhere you hear… “CLANK”

The plate that you decided NOT TO BRING TO THE KITCHEN BEFORE GETTING IN THE SHOWER…. Being placed BACK DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE….

While YOU ARE NAKED IN THE SHOWER!!!!!

What do YOU do??? How do YOU react?? THERE’S NO WHERE TO GO! THERE’S NO WHERE TO HIDE!!! YOU ARE IN THE SHOWER STARK NAKED, WITH SHAMPOO IN YOUR HAIR AND EYES.

Do you try to grab a towel to wipe the soap out of your eyes???. OR DID YOU JUST BECOME A STATUE FROZEN SOLID???

HOW AWARE OF YOUR BREATHE JUST BECOME??? ARE YOU FEELING TERRORIZED ABOUT NOW???

How vulnerable would you feel RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT??? WOULD THE BATES MOTEL CROSS YOUR MIND RIGHT THEN??? WOULD YOUR LIFE FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES????

What would you do????

How would you feel???

Would you respond… Or react???

How would you respond… Or react????

You wake up from a nap one afternoon, feeling groggy, you see something glistening on the floor by the couch where you fell asleep at, with your eyebrows crinkled you find your belly ring THAT NEVER COMES OUT OF YOUR BELLY. ON THE FLOOR… WITH THE BEAD SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO IT.

And again waking up to finding this huge knot in your hair THAT YOU HAVE TO CUT OUT??? Would you wonder, “HOW MUCH DID I REALLY TOSS AND TURN LAST NIGHT???”

You feel helpless??? Terrorified??? What do feel AT THIS POINT??? Have you told a friend… Or many??? Have you called the police??? What would you tell them??? How you put all this in words??? Can you show them proof??! Can YOU answer the police when they ask, “WHAT DID YOU DO???” Do you even know what is going on????

Are you shaking all the time??? Are you “jumpy”??? Are you scared all the time??? Do you sleep with the lights OFF or ON???? Can you stop what’s going on??? Can you control what is going on??? AND JUST EXACTLY IS GOING ON???? A few months later, At 2 in the morning, you DECIDE you want to take a shower. You get your clothes gathered, your towel, your washcloth, and your humming a tune, you pull the shower curtain back, your about to reach for the facet to turn the water on. You see your showerhead TURNED UPSIDE AS IF ITS A NOOSE!!!!

Again… How are you feeling!??? Are you screaming??? Or are you standing there FROZEN SOLID???

Six months goes by, your asleep. Something sounding like clanking bottles pulls you out of a deep sleep. It sounds like the bottles are at your ears. Your still groggy and asleep, you turn over TO FIND YOUR DOOR CRACKED OPEN!!!

WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO??? HOW SCARED WOULD YOU FEEL??? WOULD YOU TERRORIZED??? WOULD YOU FEEL DESPERATE??? What would YOU do???

Would you move?? Or would you continue to live in your home???

JUST HOW SAFE DO YOU FEEL????..

You move, NOT EVEN TWO WEEKS, you get woke up by a knock on the door at 8:30 in the morning, YOU’RE ASLEEP, not thinking… You crack the door open to see who it is. This person is acting like he is looking for someone that lived there before. Ask how long you’ve lived there, BEING ASLEEP, YOU ANSWER… then they start rambling about a time machine and other crazy stuff. You ask them to leave.

They respond by stating, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT??!

DO YOU FEEL SAFE IN YOUR NEW HOME? OR IN THAT INSTANT WAS YOUR SAFETY ALL OF A SUDDEN STRIPPED AWAY FROM YOU???

A week goes by, you are in the parking lot pulling things out of your car, some guy pulls up in their car AND STOPS while you are at your trunk, and just starts a conversation with you out of nowhere

“How is this place? How it gotten any better? I lived here 3 years ago and they wouldn’t do anything. There was even a guy that hung themselves. “

After you say that you don’t want to hear anymore, he says ” well do you live here? Do you live in that apartment over there?”

AGAIN HOW WOULD IT MAKE YOU FEEL??

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO NOT HAVE ANYTHING PRIVATE AND SACRED TO YOU???

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO NEVER KNOW WHEN “THEY” ARE WATCHING YOU?? SCRUTINIZING YOUR EVERY MOVEMENT, EVERY SOUND THAT IS MADE??

You may know how would feel, BUT LET’S GET INTO THE MIND OF THE ATTACKER!!!!

He is toying with you, playing cat and mouse games with you. He is getting off on your fear! THAT’S HIS RUSH!!! THATS HIS HIGH!!!

WOULD YOU THINK HE IS DANGEROUS AT THIS POINT????

THINK ABOUT IT…. and get back to me. I would love to know what you think!!!!

Let’s get into the attackers mind

While in the shower after you heard your plate clank on your coffee table, did you notice your heartbeat??? How fast it started pumping??? How you passed through your throat and it was racing so fast you could actually hear it in your ears???

Your Devices have heartbeat sensors. Even Microsoft takes logs of your heartbeat. As much as you try to play it cool, your heartbeat tells on your fear. Fear is EXACTLY what your attacker is playing on.

When you found the the recordings the videos of your phone and realize that you were being spied on, What was your first instinct to do? I bet it was put tape on to your all of your cameras and microphones on your devices, right?

What about when you found your door open when you got woke up to find your door opened, did you start putting things by your door or trying to Find a way to secure your doors better???

Did it creep you out that someone could be watching you through the blinds of your windows, therefore you put something over your window to make sure that you weren’t being spied on?????? And was your heart racing And maybe in a panic while securing your house better???

So you’ve done all these things to secure your home better. But wait a minute… So let’s get this straight, You blocked your door now, You covered up all your windows You covered up your phone cameras and whatever else you may have done to make sure that you’re not being spied on. But you turn around and you look around and what???????

Nobody can see in…. BUT YOU CAN’T SEE OUT!!!

Nobody may be able to get in…. BUT YOU HAVE LOCKED YOURSELF IN!!!!

What have YOU just done???

This is what’s called “Trauma Programming” You have just made yourself a prisoner… FOR YOUR PREDATOR!!!!

And guess what, Your predator didn’t have to do nothing but in still fear into you!!!!! You did all that for your predator, he thanks you for doing all the work for him, And he is laying back enjoying your fear without doing anything.

So now you find yourself in a nice comfy prison cell, That was once YOUR HOME!!!

The time that you found the shower head into a noose, how much fear went through you?? You instantly grabbed your phone to take a picture, right? Of course your phone calculated your heartbeat at that time. By this time he can just about SMELL YOUR FEAR THROUGH YOUR PHONE!!!!

Everyone has a different smell when it comes to their fear. Your predator now knows your signature smell of fear!!!

This is instantaneous… What else you didn’t realize was going on with you, by repetition you are now programmed for triggers. This is part of the trauma programming. This is part of enslaving you into your own home in your own comfy prison cell.

BY KEEPING YOU IN FEAR! BY YOU NEVER KNOWING WHO IS WATCHING YOU, YOU ARE CONSTANTLY IN FEAR!

Let’s Learn About Trauma

Types of Trauma

Bullying
Community Violence
Complex Trauma
Disasters
Early Childhood Trauma
Intimate Partner Violence
Medical Trauma
Physical Abuse
Refugee Trauma
Sexual Abuse
Sex Trafficking
Terrorism & Violence
Traumatic Grief

What Is Considered Long-Term/Chronic Trauma

It happens when a person is exposed to multiple, long-term and/or prolonged distressing, traumatic events over and extended period resulting from long-term serious illness, sexual abuse, domestic violence, bullying, and exposure to extreme situations

Understanding The Impact of Trauma

Initial reactions to trauma can include exhaustion, confusion, sadness, anxiety, agitation, numbness, dissociation, physical arousal, and blunted affect.
Part of the definition of trauma is that the individual responds with intense fear, helplessness or horror