On Friday, September 30th was the BIG DAY! The day that I have been working really hard towards getting to an accomplishing, putting my all into myself… I think I want to say that word again…MYSELF!
Putting in the times the effort the blood sweat and tears for the first time in my whole life…FOR MYSELF!!! TO HEAL. Not just the last six years of moments, but from the last 50 years of my life.
All the realizations, it’s had learned each step of the human process and each phase of the abuse and the realization is coming from each step through this process things to happen as a child would come to me and I would go oh my God. I mean it comes out of nowhere, and it can be mopping or holding clothes or whatever Monday and stuff you’re doing in I don’t know where you just get blindsided and knocked completely down to your knees, finding yourself in a tornado and a hurricane of All these different swirling emotions. It’s like constantly what a bunch of bags you’re just one right after the other 15 at a time. There’s no why I’m a rhythm, I guess when your body is ready.
On those days getting through that is just the hardest thing to do and if you get through that then you made it. THAT DAYS JOB IS DONE!
That’s exactly what it is, it’s work it’s exhausting, it’s draining, it’s grueling. The pay? YOURSELF.
It’s now October 4th it’s been exactly 1 year 1 year ago I’ve got a phone call from Sam ministries my case manager. One year ago, saying that I was so close to death nobody will never know, which is probably close. No one, not even my abusers will know, umm NOT THAT THEY CARE Anyway. When you’re done, it was my case manager that saved my life.
Friday I signed the lease and the given the keys to MY HOME, THE FINAL STEP TO MY INDEPENDENCE OUT OF TRAFFICKING. I’m now set up for the rest of my life… This is MINE!
It goes way deeper than just my independence out of trafficking. For me, it wasn’t about learning how to live all over again, like it was as I was trying to heal from my youngest son being ripped away from me. It’s been about LEARNING HOW TO LIVE! THAT’S IT! There’s no “again’s” at the end of that.
The first 50 years of my life, I’ve lived “in the shadow of” … in this shadow of Celeste being her most shamed daughter. In the shadow of Celeste and her devil worshiping daughter. In the shadow of Bruce AND Celeste, in the shadow of all the last stations, living in the shadow of my biological father living in the shadow of my second husband was a pedophile to both his son and my oldest son living in his shadow of well just to make this short. Most recently living in the shadow of being a no good worthless whore, being forever marked but the scarlet letter
I’ve lived in the shadow of …
All the molestation’s, rapes, beatings, etc. carrying guilt that was not mine, holding accountability, carrying pain and heartache for things I never did. Carrying hurt from all the lies, slander defamation of my character and the lifelong brainwashing spiritual abuse etc.
This is the very first time in my life of learning how to live FOR MYSELF AND ONLY MYSELF!
As much as I have accomplished over this year, the of signing that lease having that key in my hand the accomplishment that came with it, the tears from all of it…not only is this the time for you to reflect but to take inventory as well.
This right here, “there is no benefit for me.”
Recently I started comparing abusive relationships or abuse to, I guess AA or NA. To explain what I mean, the withdrawals would not be from withdrawn from the abuse, but it would be withdrawing from the person that you fell in love with the person that you met you missed that person that doesn’t exist. That’s what the withdrawals would be from. Detoxing from abuse it’s pretty much just the same as detoxing from any drug or alcohol. Especially when the abuser pulls you back in.
So with this answer from the question that I had asked, July and August we had sex three times, so that was the pullback in. And it made me wonder what benefit was it for him. Because the third time he came by as soon as we were done, and he was getting dressed, and it was playing deal because you can tell while he was putting on his clothes that he made his exit strategy. And you know it can be denied whatever, but women know the exit strategy we know it, you know he’s not coming back in town he’s that whatever I mean just we know when it’s an exit strategy, and it’s usually right after the sex.
So his answer really did not hit me until Sunday on the 2nd when I got to thinking about it. That’s when I started asking myself “what benefits to me?” what is it about him that is beneficial to me? There’s absolutely no more sex because I mean he did his strategy the first of August. So there’s nothing about this person this so called whatever it is that it’s beneficial to me. And with this new move as a permanent move toward the rest of my life since there’s nothing beneficial FOR ME, there’s no reason to hang on anymore.
And when I was thinking out loud to myself, I caught myself for the first time ever when I asked what am I getting? What is it that I’m getting from this? That was huge because normally it’s me giving. And I didn’t even say that word giving. I’m the one always giving my all and then my all again. It’s never been about what I’m receiving. That needs to change. So that right there was huge for me.
I believe the only thing I feel at this moment is just being used, it’s a fucked up feeling.
Also, that same day, I woke up to a text from him saying man oh man. That is to pull me into the conversation, going “well what”. He said he had a dream about him, me and my mother. And basically what it boils down to is I just left in the apartment and him and another took a ride, and he is sucking on an orange popsicle and my mother took it from him and suck it up her coochie and that’s when he woke up, and I mean had the dream kept going on he wouldn’t know what he would have done, and I’m like you know what first of all that wouldn’t happen anyway because well you’re black, and I haven’t spoken with my mother in 10 years.
And he can say whatever but to conjure up that kind of whatever and to insult me that way. Oh, and all the excuses I don’t want to hear it
Because what it boils down to is I’m so tired of the indirect, direct insults. The little insults that sad and that you can wiggle out of oh I didn’t mean it like that or whatever, you know what, I’m just so tired of it.
And something else I got to thinking about, we always christened every place that stayed at. No, I can’t, I just can’t do it. I cannot put myself through any more of that pain and allow myself to open up this kind of feelings for him and watch him walk out again like it’s nothing. I can’t do it. And I won’t.
So I’ve decided that from now on I will be asking myself what is it about whatever it is that is beneficial to me positively. And I do believe that will help me throughout my hearing process.
There’s also something else that came to mind on Sunday night I was once told by a client “it’s opposite Day every day” this finally made sense to me about narcissist. Everything they say, they mean the opposite.
So to end this journal entry, first considering this is about me and my healing from now on it’s about, from now on not only do I need to ask myself when I’m giving away that I need to ask myself when am I getting what am I benefiting when is it that’s positive that’s beneficial to me and in my life.
And second, not only is this move marking the end of trafficking and the beginning of Independence out of it, that this also is a marking at the end of abuse.
These two things are HUGE!!
Targeted: The New Modern Day Slavery 
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