February 27th, 2021, “Rise and Grind”

November 8^th 2022 3:00 a.m. 

It’s gotten to be all too familiar, first is the shockwave that comes over me. My hands go on both sides of my head. (Both my youngest son and I tend to do that when we are overwhelmed.) Then I can feel my skin start to crawl. And all that comes out of my mouth is “ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww”  Normally I get weak in the knees and I just drop,  my body just gives out and weather or not I had anything in my stomach, I usually get so sick, I throw up. Then I feel so violated, that get in the shower and I scrub till I bleed. It wasn’t as bad tonight, I didn’t scrub till I bled, but it’s just the same when the realizations come, they all hit hard.

Tristen/Issac acted off on this day. And I’ve learned when something is off when it comes to all this, it’s never a good thing. First, he says good morning to me by saying, “Rise and Grind” instead of saying “rise and shine.” That in itself didn’t give me a warm, fuzzy feeling, but I let it ride and didn’t say anything. He had already programmed “rain” to be a trigger the previous year.

I was staying at Home Suites